Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
