"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
