As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
