I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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