just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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