just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
