I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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