how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
