We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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