my phone needs a breathalizer
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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