There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
