my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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