Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
