I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
