I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
