Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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