R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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