dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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