She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
