we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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