like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
