AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
