I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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