My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
