I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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