ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
