And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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