maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
