so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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