I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
