he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize
