I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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