She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
