Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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