after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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