i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
