Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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