if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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