just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
