At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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