Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
