the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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