Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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