i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am full of burrito and curiosity
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
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