I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
