tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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