I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Randomize
