Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
