I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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