Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
