at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize