God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
