I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Man, jail baloney is awful.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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