He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
