He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.