you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
23 “Girl Codes” Guys Probably Don’t Know About
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.