So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.