Duck Duck Cougar?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
