Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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