I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
