I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
